Moments of doubt

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's a challenge sometimes.

It's a challenge mainly because the reason I moved to this country has been a big disappointment.

There, I've said it.

For the first time I can think of, I've moved away a place where I'd rather stay, and that was Copenhagen. I came to Vienna with the mission of studying, learning, absorbing knowledge and becoming specialised in my field. I was hoping it would also be a nice city to live in, that I would have a good time and make some new friends. But that wasn't my motivation to go here.

Vienna is great. I've had some fun, met some nice people. But I'm very disappointed with my studies. I can't blame it on the university of course, it's my responsibility to choose the education that I want. The sad thing is I expected more from this experience than I get. The big majority of my classes I find utterly boring and irrelevant to what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd be challenged, but I'm learning much less than my potential and my motivation to study is really really low.

I guess I just didn't expect that a course called "Water resources planning and management" would discuss Pythagoras' theorem, or how to calculate the mean value. Or that my different courses would re-use the same pictures, and the same information. And then I find it frustrating when you have to sit on the floor for lectures because the room isn't big enough, or there's 70 people in a room for 50 competing for oxygen. Or when your mandatory courses are taught at the same time at different campuses. Or when you have to fill out form, after form, after form with the same administrative data.

There are surely bigger problems in the world. And as I've said, I try to focus on the positive (...like recycling bins in the hallways). But when it's gray outside all the time and I miss someone's arms around me, I ask myself why I relocated my life again. I keep wondering if I'm on the right path (and it's the first time I've seriously doubted). Because at the moment, I feel like I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Things I love about Austria

ART
Gustav Klimt, Egon Schiele and so much more. The museums are a bit pricey but I can get tickets to a ballet for 3 euros. My eyes and ears are so pleased.

Mountains
Need I say more?

People don't speak English to me when I try to use German
Even if I sound completely retarded, they act as if they understood me and I understood them (even when I clearly don't) which is fantastic for language learning

There are many bookstores
I see them everywhere and it feels like people read! I don't know if they do but someone has to buy all these books, right?

Lingonberry jam
My scandinavian heart skips a beat for those sour little pearls

Cheap yoga through university
I get to go every week and try to figure out what the German word for 'tailbone' or 'kneecap' is

There are bike lanes
They exist. Far from everywhere and I still have frequent near-death experiences, but it's possible to move around by bike.

Dumpster diving
To be able to pick up food that has been disregarded by supermarkets just around the corner and then make awesome things with it (like blueberry-raspberry-banana-pomegranate smoothie) is luxury!

Nice bars and cafés
I still have so much more to explore on this one, but I've had a decent start so far!

Great public transport
Now I mostly use my bike, but I appreciate that there is metro, tram and buses that can take you anywhere in the city. No need for a car!

Humor
Actually, Austrians have a good sense of humor and can laugh about themselves (even about locking up girls in cellars!)

Architecture
Wherever you look there's a beautiful building. Marble hallways in normal apartment buildings, decorated facades...

To be constantly lost

Liebes Österreich,
(apparently this country isn't feminine and thus needs an 's')

Just got home from some errands (book craving) and had the magic realisation that I haven't used Google maps at all this week. Admittedly, I've spent most of the time at home since I've had a sore throat, and it's only been 4½ days, but it felt like a small victory anyway. To be constantly lost, maybe that's one way to describe how it feels to move to a new city (country). In translation, in direction, in life. And the beauty lies in the perspective that you can't find something that's not lost.

When I sat down I was going to write about last weekend, which I've been postponing. I went to Warsaw, to attend ELLS student conference (European League of Life Sciences) and present my bachelor thesis. Now, the main reason to go was not really the conference, it was to meet up with my peers from last year in Copenhagen, because some of them went on to do their second year at other universities. After a lot of struggle for some of them (missing a flight, then flying to the wrong city and renting a car to get to Warsaw), we had a great time together!

The conference exceeded my expectations - I listened to an abundance of interesting presentations, and I was very satisfied with my own presentation as well. There was also an abundance of vodka and some Polish night life to lift our spirits after a lot of nitrogen and sludge and dying animals ;) As I have been in Warsaw before (with my beloved grandma a year ago to celebrate her 75th birthday) I had already seen the most sights, otherwise the time would not have been sufficient. But I got my dumplings and vodka all right!

Unfortunately the weekend had a very annoying end for me, as the Austrian railway company had written the wrong departure time on my ticket so I missed my train. I had to wait 8 hours for the next train, which was the night train... Which was very stressful, but I ended up re-visiting the national art museum (kinda boring art to be honest but at least good wifi) and then got on the same train as my friend Nathalie, and we even made some new friends that night! But as I got home at 7am instead of 9pm, I was way too tired to attend any of my morning classes (they were taught at the same time...) and came down with a sore throat, which has prevented me from running! Will catch up on that next week hopefully, but I've decided to be extremely careful so I would be fine this weekend, as I get a visit that I've been longing for...

I need a visit to Vienna

Liebe Österreich,

I would like to thank you for being so kind to my dad and sister who came all the way to Vienna this past weekend. You showed your best side (culture and beauty) and your true side (gray slight rain). As my dad said on the metro before we diverged - you can tell that it's been a long time since we met because we've been interrupting each other all the time...

One of the benefits in Vienna is that you really have a lot to show your guests. My sister and I got our clothes impregnated by smoke in some cozy bars on the Friday before my dad arrived, and then we spent all of Saturday and Sunday exploring the treasures. It was fun to realise how extremely well we actually do this - but I guess ~15 years of getting to know the world together has shaped our travel style after each other. We know each other better than anyone else, and this is what we do best.

It was such an energy boost, to be with people who know me, that I don't have to explain things to. That I can speak Swedish to, even though my dad found it funny that I use direct English translations ("ha en öl") and my sister mixes with Norwegian words, as she's been living in Norway for a while now. To feel excited and making an effort, wanting to make sure they had a good time, but convinced that I would succeed.

Thoughts on purpose and career

"`Well!' thought Alice to herself, `after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs!"

Dear Austria,

Thank you for challenging me so much. I have a lot to learn through you, through living slightly outside my comfort zone and reconsider my values and choices.

This Tuesday was just not a very good day. In order to maintain a direction, I feel like I should have something scheduled, something structured. Otherwise I end up thinking "why should I do this now, I can just as well do it in an hour/tonight/tomorrow". But just having one lecture, or something that pushes me just a little, it makes me feel like I'm doing something reasonable. This Tuesday I felt completely meaningless. I was supposed to study for an exam but I was very unmotivated because there really wasn't much to learn (and certainly nothing interesting), and how much can you learn with only 3 ECTS anyway?

This escalated a bit in my head and I ended up thinking that my life is meaningless. Which obviously it pretty much is, in existential terms, but for it to be fun I want to feel that I'm doing something for a purpose. I believe that everyone has a different purpose in their life that we find for ourselves, and as for now, my goal and what drives me is the dream to work with water resources, to be able to contribute to a sound environment and improved living conditions for vulnerable people. When that feels very far away, I get frustrated. I want this for myself, and I struggle so hard to get to it, and when the road isn't very straight or people point it out to me that I'm doing it the wrong way (in their opinion), it can really get me down. Especially now, when I'm approaching the end of one phase (the studying), and dreading the transfer to the next - the work.

Of course I want other things for myself and I have other purposes too. Some day my purpose will be to be a good mum (high standards set by my own one), I also want to write a book some day, and other things. But the reason I came to Austria was none of those, it was for the purpose of my master degree. And then only having one or two lectures a week for the first month is really frustrating.

But, this week I started a new course, which is mainly for engineers but  think I'll manage. If I could do both climate physics and economical theory last year, then why not some engineering too? I might be the most interdisciplinary student of the decade, and I guess I will soon find out whether that is an advantage or not on the job market... Some think I'm smart and will be an asset to the one who hires me, and others say I'm stupid not to focus on one thing and do it very well. But maybe this is what I do very well - connect the dots and create links between fields.

The longer you run...

Perhaps the difference between "spending time somewhere" and actually consider yourself living there has something to do with routines. Not just waking up, but those you spend a little effort on.

One of mine is running. It's not fundamental, but it just makes life so much better. However, when you move into the center of a city with 2 million inhabitants, it can be challenging to find a place to run. Perhaps it's the same for people who want to find a gym.

I was out biking a while ago and suddenly realised I'd found my spot. It's not too far from where I live, just a few minutes by bike. It's flat, no intersecting roads (i.e. no red lights), has a little bit of nature. Donaukanal, here we go. The first stretch has quite a lot of people, also other runners. After 25% I pass Kraftwerk Wien which is a very iconic landmark, and then there is less people. But here is where you meet the people who actually like running, and don't just go because they feel they should. You no longer see people who seriously need someone to teach then how to run because they are in danger of hurting themselves, but instead you meet those sweating, persistent, adrenaline-borne runners who occasionally meet your eyes and share that smile, the one that says "good job, I'm also enjoying this".

After 50%, I cross the bridge and run back on the other side. Here is where the amazing grafitti is, on the supporting poles under the highways (downside of my track is air pollution). I enjoy it most at the hour around sunset, there's something magical with that time of transformation, and being so vividly aware of your own body through it.

Usually, my run is 8 km and I like to head out twice per week. Yesterday I extended it with another maybe 2 km, to clear my head. Whatever bad mood I'm in, it's always at least slightly better afterwards. It takes anger away. I notice when I'm better as I let go of the angry/upset/sad spinning thoughts, and start daydreaming. I've always daydreamed, for as long as I can remember. Much less now than when I was a child, but this is still my time to myself. To allow for any creativity, and scenario to take place. Let go of the boundaries of reality.

I'm playing with the thought of training for a half marathon. Not that there's a race I actually want to participate in, I just want a goal and a plan. We'll see. For now, I'm happy beating the Donaukanal with the soles of my shoes.

Fish and friendships

Dear Austria, Happy National Day!

In 1955 on the 26th of October, the Austrian Parliament signed the declaration of neutrality and declared the country permanently neutral. In celebration of this, I went with a new friend to the parliament building for a tour and ended up shaking hands with some (random) politicians, one of them was from Tyrole and told me had studied Swedish for ski instructors. Wow, what do you even reply to that?

This room is actually not used as it was built for the monarchs... But it's much nicer than the one in use!

This Friday, I went with a group called Young Water Professionals on an excursion to learn about small hydropower plants. We went all the way to Ybbs and Lunz am See in Lower Austria on a very cold day, and looked at technologies for fish passages (Fischaufstiegshilfen) at hydropower plants. We met this really cool old man who has invented a kind of spiral waterpower tube that can transport fish both up and down inside the hydropower plant! Because the normal passages are kind of stairs so the fish can jump up the stream next to the power plant, but it doesn't actually let the fish come down again... At Lunz there is ongoing investigation on how different elements in the environment are affected by surge and sunk - when the water sinks away for example after heavy rain, some stupid fish may get trapped in puddles and die. Sad. I didn't really get this part, because all was in German, but the people were kind enough to give me summaries in English afterwards.

Fish Feeding and the surge and sink constructed study area

After returning from that long day, my fantastic flatmate brought me to a fantastic house party - there was even chocolate fondue! And boardgames! And a pool table! And so much alcohol! haha!

So a quite eventful week actually, and I've made a few new friends! My companion at the parliament I met at a football table game (which we won), and I've met a lovely American girl who seemed to be like an overseas version of me - I imagine I would have been something like her if I'd been born there. Except the marathon  running maybe. And today I had a pancake brunch with a language tandem partner who's gonna help me a bit with German (but mostly we were talking about other stuff...). And I've had dinner and coffee with some French girls! And talked a bit more with some of my classmates, as we hung out after class and met up yesterday for cake and wine at someone's house.

I of course knew all of this would happen, as I am a person who inevitably makes friends, but the first weeks before it kind of takes off is really dull. I was also expecting to be more busy at university and spend more time there and meeting people there than I have been so far. Seriously, I've read four novels since I got here! And about halfway through my fifth. Which is not a bad timekill at all, don't get me wrong, but it's definitely not the most social one. In hindsight I think the good thing about it is it allows the brain to rest, when otherwise it's working hard to adapt to everything new around me. Some days I've even declined social activities because I've been tired from things that usually doesn't affect me at all, but it takes more energy when I'm in a new place and acknowledging that and allowing for more rest than normally I think will benefit me and my overboiling brain in the long run.

There is so much more I feel like writing about, but I'll save it for later. Probably I can put up some more pics from the excursion soon!