Thoughts on purpose and career

"`Well!' thought Alice to herself, `after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs!"

Dear Austria,

Thank you for challenging me so much. I have a lot to learn through you, through living slightly outside my comfort zone and reconsider my values and choices.

This Tuesday was just not a very good day. In order to maintain a direction, I feel like I should have something scheduled, something structured. Otherwise I end up thinking "why should I do this now, I can just as well do it in an hour/tonight/tomorrow". But just having one lecture, or something that pushes me just a little, it makes me feel like I'm doing something reasonable. This Tuesday I felt completely meaningless. I was supposed to study for an exam but I was very unmotivated because there really wasn't much to learn (and certainly nothing interesting), and how much can you learn with only 3 ECTS anyway?

This escalated a bit in my head and I ended up thinking that my life is meaningless. Which obviously it pretty much is, in existential terms, but for it to be fun I want to feel that I'm doing something for a purpose. I believe that everyone has a different purpose in their life that we find for ourselves, and as for now, my goal and what drives me is the dream to work with water resources, to be able to contribute to a sound environment and improved living conditions for vulnerable people. When that feels very far away, I get frustrated. I want this for myself, and I struggle so hard to get to it, and when the road isn't very straight or people point it out to me that I'm doing it the wrong way (in their opinion), it can really get me down. Especially now, when I'm approaching the end of one phase (the studying), and dreading the transfer to the next - the work.

Of course I want other things for myself and I have other purposes too. Some day my purpose will be to be a good mum (high standards set by my own one), I also want to write a book some day, and other things. But the reason I came to Austria was none of those, it was for the purpose of my master degree. And then only having one or two lectures a week for the first month is really frustrating.

But, this week I started a new course, which is mainly for engineers but  think I'll manage. If I could do both climate physics and economical theory last year, then why not some engineering too? I might be the most interdisciplinary student of the decade, and I guess I will soon find out whether that is an advantage or not on the job market... Some think I'm smart and will be an asset to the one who hires me, and others say I'm stupid not to focus on one thing and do it very well. But maybe this is what I do very well - connect the dots and create links between fields.